1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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