I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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