She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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