as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You were trust falling into bushes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
