so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
