she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize