I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
