i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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