i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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