I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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