U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
