then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
