Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
