I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
