Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
