Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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