I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
