I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
