Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
