Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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