first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
