Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
