Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
dude. I can hear the air.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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