I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
