I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize