This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
