What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize