I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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