Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize