u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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