when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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