a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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