So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
