Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
