So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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