Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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