and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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