Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
