the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
