There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize