Where is the hickey?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
