There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this just has baby written all over it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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