She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
