If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
