i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
