And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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