If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
