Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
