I faked an abortion last night.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
