there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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