update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i believe in u and ur pee
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
