hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
