I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
