i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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