He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
