Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
