You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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