What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
