i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
