he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
