hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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