If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Randomize