I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
