mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
