woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
