im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
